Conflict vs. Contention

What Is The Difference Between Conflict And Contention

The very comparison of these words creates both conflict and contention. In many heart breaking coaching discussions, I’ve learned that having a clear understanding of these two contrasting words can bring peace of mind and warmth of heart to a relationship. But only when properly and harmoniously understood.

Conflict

Conflict is sharing the same end result but seeing a different path. Contention is fight or flight, violence or silence. It is blocked progress and the attention is on who is right at the expense of what is right.

Conflict is necessary for progress. Conflict is healthy, should be sought, and it is to be resolved. Thus the very existence of conflict is a call for resolution and growth. Without conflict, we cannot grow, progress, eradicate mediocrity, and experience joy.

Conflict for many causes anxiety because the perception is that the other person has to be right and pain is imminent. People often cower under the innocence of unintended conflict in relationships because they don’t know how to handle potential progress.

Picture a husband clamming up because his wife wants to know the amount of the next paycheck. She needs to budget her assets. He takes it personal as a criticism of his inability to make more money. His assumed position just turned conflict into contention as he enters his man cave for an extended period of silence.

What she wants is information on which to act. He perceives she is judging him and take evasive action, either through yelling at her or pretending he is Puff the Magic Dragon and silently slipping into his cave.

Conflict is found in the boardroom looking for solutions. Resolution is the ability to find dialogue and focus on WHAT is right thus eliminating WHO is right from the discussion. Leaders often start with good intentions and introduce conflict into the team discussion, only to change the rules of discussion into contention by seeking agreement, forcing the issue, eliminating free thought, and trying to control the people instead of the conversation.

Leaders, managers, parents, and owners have a track record of being right, but being right can often get in the way of doing what is right. When the discussion is about WHO is right, it is contention. There is no conflict resolution and therefore people don’t feel safe. If a leader can create safe space where the discussion centers on WHAT is right, people can express opinions and resolve the conflict.

Contention

Contention is conflict turned personal, vitriolic and ugly. There is no progress when contention is present. Contention is to be avoided. Contention is silence or violence.

Silence is the man cave or the chick hut. It is not communication. It is the “I’ll teach you mentality” It’s the spouse, parent, or friend who vows not to talk to you until world peace breaks out. Boy will you be sorry. It is also the peacemaker approach. If I don’t talk about it and avoid it, perhaps things will get better.

When silence is used in marriage or as a parent it is extremely harmful. When used on a child, the silence treatment can be worse than violence. Either practice, silence or violence is abdicating parental responsibility.

In business, violence can be bullying. Silence undermines the mission, the culture, and permits anger to brew. It cannot be hidden through verbal niceties. The underground truth will betray your frustration and anger through a lack of commitment, low motivation and dissipating performance.

Violence is name-calling and making it personal. It is sarcasm and put downs, “I’d have a battle of wits with you but I don’t want to fight an unarmed person.”

Silence and violence are escape mechanisms as a result of inadequate communication tools. It’s the path of least resistance and it almost always sets up a collusionary relationship. Its an underdeveloped set of skills found in Emotional Intelligence: self-regulation, self-awareness, self-motivation, empathy, problem-solving, and interpersonal relationships.

It’s road rage because the rager doesn’t have better tools with which to handle the perceived imperfections of others. Road rage is a naked display of no control. It’s an embarrassing manifestation of inadequacy. When control is lost, it’s addictive and more rage is required to justify the position. The anger inside is used as an opiate to cover the pain of being out of balance. It’s a way to feel good about behaving badly.

The never-ending circle of rage, embarrassment and rage again is insatiable and addictive. Addiction is a way to meet one’s needs in a misapplied or dysfunctional way. Road rage, repeated cave dwelling, and constant yelling are addictions.

Arguing, pouting, retreating, hiding, yelling, manipulating and persuading are all ways we cope with not getting our way. Each one is manifested in our unique communication blueprint.

Contention recovery is learning the tools of effective communication. It can rarely be accomplished solo. Thinking you can change decades of habits on your own is deceptive and misguided. That’s why we have family, friends, and coaches. People who care about us and see our success as their success.