Judge not that ye be not judged. (Matthew 7:1) This passage carries a plethora of opinion, commentary, and misunderstanding. Elder McConkie points out that this does not prohibit sitting in judgment on principles of right or wrong. Rather it is the equivalent of saying: “Condemn not, that ye be not condemned.”
We sometimes confuse the definition of tolerance with judging. This is where the misunderstanding is often found. Homosexuality is wrong. It is a sin. So is overeating, constantly losing your temper, and being a workaholic. You can tolerate obesity, but it doesn’t mean you accept it.
Take, for example, the husband who has a temper. His dear wife can tolerate it, but it doesn’t mean she deems it acceptable behavior. It’s wrong to lose you temper, especially as a way of life. Mormon counsels in the book of Moroni that it is given unto us to judge. (Moroni 7:15) But to what?
It’s worrisome to hear stories of self-righteous individuals condemning others to eternal or godly consequences because of family or cultural beliefs. It is also inappropriate and doesn’t accomplish the desire result, if that desire is to elicit change.
There are levels to the idea of judging. Judging right from wrong is a commandment. Judging others to condemnation is a sin. Judging others in conversation through praise or sympathy can be subtle yet harmful.
When teaching the gospel and our investigators inform us they read the scripture assignment as asked, we say “great!” We judged them in their performance. We don’t know much, except that they read some scripture.
We walk off the stand after giving a sacrament meeting talk and a sister says “you gave a great talk.” What does that mean? What was great about the talk? Which point caught her attention and caused her to think greatness in connection with your talk?
Far more productive is to eliminate judging and replace it with curiosity and being present. The investigator reads the assignment, if you are present you ask: “How did you feel about it?” or “What did you learn?” or “What was your greatest insight?”
You walk off the podium and are met with adoring fans of your greatness and you query, “what was great about the talk?” or “What was your take away?” or my favorite question when someone says the obligatory “nice talk Brother Himmer,” I ask “What was nice about it?” or “which part?”
Be general in your criticism (if at all) and specific with your praise. If you are making the connection of great with someone’s talk, tell them what you liked about the talk or that you appreciated their message.
“Your points about faith and explaining how hope precedes it and follows it were fascinating. How did you discover that?” or “Thank you for your words, I appreciate the message.”
Judging other people with words other than right or wrong causes push back. Too often we offer statements such as great or that was perfect when acknowledging something accomplished at the expense of content. Great and perfect are strong judgments and your meaning is spurious when words are used without real intent.
If your purpose is to be liked, you border on addiction; it’s not appropriate or effective if you want to develop intimacy built upon mutual trust and respect. A neutral attitude or manner of speaking is far more effective in developing trust and respect than constantly barraging others with compliments that are masked judgments.
Sincerity will get you more affection and attention in contrast to building rapport and saying things hoping to garner positive feelings. An honest search of understanding towards your investigators or fellow members is a refreshing welcome to the standard meaningless chatter of seeking agreement in conversations.
I remember going over this “judgment” issue many times. It sometimes boils down to having a false impression of his/her past. We don’t know or understand what is behind a certain behavior. But if we can empathize with choices that individual has made to better himself, we seem to have a better feeling for that person. But why is it harder to do that with a member of your own family than it is with others not related to you???? I sometimes overreact about these actions, and I need to keep reminding myself that we have the power of prayer to help us get through the hard times. Judging can be a help to me, if only to make me think remember that I need to be more mindful of my own actions. Then it’s time to stop and evaluate the circumstances.
I often catch myself giving small “Judgment” statements to continue the conversation. I had previously thought some excitement expressed interest in what the other person was saying. It is difficult to think of a quick question to ask instead or simply maintain neutrality; but as I make my comments more general and stay present in the conversation I notice how often I thought the conversation was going one way when it was really going another and I would not have caught it before. Listening without judging allows the other person to explore thoughts they would not have had too.
Working with members of your family of origin is like trying to teach your high school coach that he was wrong because your college coach says so.
Your basis of communication is with your family. Your children learned to communicate, in large part, from you. Most people have discovered its easier to practice and learn on friends and acquaintances before venturing to family members.
After you’ve had some success, then practicing with family members can be a positive experience.
Tawyna, it might help if you don’t pressure yourself to think quickly for the right question. Listening to the first part of their answer and then asking a question based upon their previous answer allows you greater time to listen versus trying to think of the next question. You are never in a hurry to be interested.