I’m fascinated by the quick learning abilities of children when they play video games. Most recently my children received a Wii unit for Christmas. Before the day had expired Samuel, my 8-year-old son challenged me to a boxing match.
Finally, I thought, something electronic at which I can beat my children. I have formal training in the martial arts and can certainly move my hands quicker than my 8-year-old boy. The results? I didn’t make it past the first round. Sam KO’d me.
How on earth do children learn electronic games so quickly? Why can’t they learn their school lessons or how to clean their rooms as quickly? The answer? Feedback. The feedback on a video game is neutral, no emotion and it’s immediate. ‘You missed.’ ‘Hit!’ ‘Better luck next time.’
The young skulls full of mush assimilate the information and they immediately try again. How does this apply in the life of a missionary?
Feedback received in an environment of selling the gospel is rarely direct and almost never neutral. For example, on a door approach trying to be overly nice and cheerful doesn’t translate into the person answering the door being nice and cheerful back to you.
Rather than explaining to you that your happiness is overbearing and uncomfortable, the person will force a smile and try to avoid commitment. Some folks aren’t so nice; they don’t want to be sold anything.
More than not wanting to hear about the gospel, they don’t trust you. They don’t understand who you are or your intentions. They have years of history of gospel peddlers, car salesman, and financial experts on which to base their decision.
Feedback
Since 1977 when I entered the LTM (Language Training Mission) missionaries are taught to build rapport. What’s wrong with rapport building?
It doesn’t work. It’s manipulative and everybody knows what you’re doing.
So why do we continue to build rapport? Why can’t we learn from our children? ‘You missed!’ ‘Try something else.’
The success of missionaries has very little to do with building rapport. It has everything to do with trust and respect and the spirit of God.
The most effective space in missionary work is the trust developed between you and the investigator. It can only be achieved through asking good questions and present tense listening.
Here is a list of blind spot words to avoid in missionary work. Number 10 and the bonus are behaviors.
- Interested
- Would
- Multiple name usage
- Just
- Great
- Thank you
- To be honest
- Need
- Like
- Rapport building
Interested:
Interested is a word that missionaries use when they don’t want to hear ‘no.’ Interested is a word that investigators use when they don’t want to say ‘yes.’
Missionaries often think ‘interested’ means ‘maybe,’ and are desperate enough to take that as a ‘yes.’ It’s an avoidance technique combined with wishful thinking. There is no commitment in interest.
For example, when making a door approach, you offer to talk about how families can be together forever and you ask:
“Is that something you’d be interested in?
This carries no commitment.
Try this:
“Is being together forever with your family, something you want?”
If they answer ‘yes‘, you ask ‘why‘? Each step is a question to gain a commitment.
Professional investigators are very interested in meeting with missionaries. Expert bashers of LDS doctrine are very interested in meeting with missionaries.
By asking commitment questions, you avoid wasting time with people who don’t qualify to be harvested as taught in D &C 4:4.
Would:
Would is filler that minimizes or a question softener in an attempt to get a commitment. It degrades the person speaking and lowers their self-respect. “Is that something you would like?”
Try this: “Is that something you want?” Missionaries also use the word might in the same way they use would. Would comes from a point of weakness and timidity.
Just
“I just want to let you know…” or “just 15 minutes of your time…” What does the word ‘just‘ imply? Just is another way of saying you want more than you are willing to admit. It’s manipulative. It’s sliding your foot in the door when they try to close it on you.
Just trivializes your communication in order to disarm the investigator. You minimize the gospel and the blessings associated with a strong desire to align with God. You also lower your self-respect when stooping to a lack of full disclosure by using just.
Thank you
While gratitude in missionary work is occasionally warranted, ‘thank you’ is one of those phrases most over-used, abused, and rendered meaningless by all of us.
There is no need to thank investigators for their time and attention. Repeatedly thanking investigators implies a subservient, begging position, which will cause a loss of respect for you.
Did the Savior thank the multitude after he fed them? He thanked His Father, but not those He served. Remember that you are providing potential exaltation for the investigator. Be aware of who you are and Who you represent.
Be gracious when appropriate, but not in a manner of begging or groveling.
Have you ever thanked a thank you? Next time try saying ok. When gratitude is given, say, “you’re welcome.”
Great
The investigator says she wants to set an appointment to discuss the gospel and you say “GREAT!” The investigator says he is in looking for another church and you say “GREAT!”
You sound as if you are desperate or perhaps have a warped sense of values. Is it great because nobody ever says yes? An emissary of God doing her job doesn’t find it ‘great’ when someone wants to hear the gospel, she finds it routine.
Perfect is another version of great. After setting an appointment the missionary says ‘perfect.’ Perfect implies no error, nothing could be better and there isn’t another time that works as well. Perfect also means complete.
The next time you schedule an appointment with someone, finish it with ‘ok’, we’ll see you at such and such a time. Good-bye.
To be honest…
Anytime somebody emphasizes his integrity or honesty, I question his integrity or his honesty. It’s a red flag when a missionary says, “to be honest with you.” It marks a change in the conversation. In other words, what was he before he declared his honesty?
The gospel is most effectively taught with full disclosure of commitments and doctrine. (This is not to be confused with the natural sequence of learning.) When committing to baptism, for example, full disclosure is not withholding doctrines or commandments out of fear the investigator will say no.
Using the phrase ‘to be honest with you…’ implies that you haven’t fully disclosed everything up until now. A lack of trust simmers and the investigators is left wondering what else you left out.
Need
We live in a world of wants today, not needs. With all respect to Maslow, if need was the primary drive in nature, we wouldn’t have MacDonald’s, Dunkin Donuts, or Baskin Robbins.
When a missionary uses the door approach to find a need he can exploit and turn into a discussion, its manipulative.
Imagine a Dunkin Donuts cashier asking a cop how many donuts he needs? Doctrine and Covenants 4:4 explains that people are waiting to hear and be taught the gospel.
As missionaries and members, it’s our job to provide that opportunity. When someone wants the gospel they will find it.
How can anyone think that the success of missionary work is somehow related to 19 and 20 year old kids and their communication skills? Many people are baptized in spite of missionaries, not because of missionaries.
The gospel is a perfect product. Success is enhanced when we learn effective tools to spread it faster. Ultimately, everyone you come in contact with will confess that Jesus is the Christ.
Like
Similar to the word interested, like carries no commitment. “Is that something you’d like?”
Try this: ” Is that something you want? ” When selling the gospel, the more small commitments the investigator makes, the easier the big commitments (baptism).
There is no commitment in asking: “Do you like to read the scriptures?”
Try this: “Will you read the scriptures?”
Another example: “Would you like to know if there is a prophet on earth today?”
Try this: “Do you want to know if there is a prophet on earth today, or not?”
or
“If we can show you how to find out for yourself that there is a prophet on earth today, what will you do?”
What if the product being sold was a Time Share Condo? Is that something I like? Yes. Is it something I am interested in? Yes. Is it something I will buy? No. I don’t have the money. I’m interested in the condo, but I don’t want the condo.
Want or will implies action. It is a different level of commitment. You can eliminate wasted time by avoiding meaningless questions.
Multiple name usage:
Dale Carnegie in his book “How To Win Friends And Influence People” pointed out that the most popular word in the English language is someone’s name. Ok, but using it over and over again is using it in vain.
Moses received similar counsel on Mt. Sinai. Repetitive use of your first name is phony to everyone but the person using your name in vain.
Build Rapport
The phone rings, I answer, “hello, this is Richard.” At the other end a very enthusiastic person says, “Hey Richard, how are you today!?”
My triple layer force field immediately goes up, DEFCON 1, Red Alert, imminent sales attack. Building rapport doesn’t work and everyone knows what you’re doing. Building rapport is trying to get the other person to like you.
That’s called manipulation!
Being nice and trying to find common ground is not genuine. Be genuine and stop trying to please or relate. You will have greater success talking with people if you learn to be interested instead of being interesting.
Eliminating blind spots from your language is an important step to developing trust and respect and experiencing greater success in your relationships and teaching experiences.
Bonus Behavior:
Relating
When you relate to someone, you change the focus of the discussion from her to you. Relating erodes intimacy and relegates the discussion to surface talk.
When the discussion goes from their bout with the flu to your story of being hospitalized, you’re telling fish stories. You cannot develop trust and respect when the topic of discussion is you.
For example, if you meet someone who is originally from your home town, let’s say San Diego, the most common response is: “Oh, I’m from San Diego too!”
Being from San Diego is not a basis for discussing the gospel. Either is having similar likes: fishing, hiking, eating, sleeping, sports, cooking etc. A better approach is to ask about their interests and see what you can learn.
If they care, they will ask about your interests. Don’t expect it. It’s not about you or your interests. You are on the Lord’s errand.
“Understanding why others think the way they do is more rewarding than understanding why we disagree with them.”
– Carl Ingalls
