The Addiction of Co-Dependency

While more and more attention is being given to the pandemic of addiction, from alcohol to pornography, the depth and treatment is not well understood. Even less understood and lightly discussed is the addiction of co-dependency.

Co-dependency is often associated with the spouse or parents of an addict. Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another.

It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

The disorder was first codified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependency is often found in dysfunctional families.

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

• An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex or gambling.
• The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
• The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They avoid the conflict by refusing to talk about what they know exists. Members develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They become isolated. They become martyrs.

They don’t touch. They don’t talk. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of family members are inhibited.

Characteristics of Co-dependency are:

• A tendency to confuse love and pity (they don’t recognize this)
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to rescue and enable, regular violation of boundaries
• A tendency to become hurt when others don’t sufficiently recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions